Ah.

Realized in meditation last night that I am letting go of my attachment to things happening in a certain way – which also means that I am not avoiding suffering in the way I described in my last post on romance.  Remarkable that I’m having this realization just a few days after writing those words.  I swear, it feels like I’m in an accelerated course on awakening.

Am beginning to feel experientially that everything – even suffering – is okay.  Awareness of whatever is in this moment transmutes the phenomenal experience into the process of awakening.  That is, being aware of the awareness of suffering or joy or the sound of the cars passing by or the pain in the base of my neck or the taste of hazelnut coffee on my tongue or the thought of the guy my heart still breaks for, or even more subtle, sensing the ego’s urge to escape its feeling of incompleteness, this same urge which then prompts the mind to give importance to the thought about the guy – all of this, when seen and fully accepted/experienced as the unfolding of the Now – is itself transformed into the light of consciousness.
 

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7 thoughts on “Ah.

  1. Beautiful, and so true 🙂

    I recently did a week long vedanta seminar on the Bhagavad Gita and what I most took from it was adopting the attitude of karma yoga, which is just doing what I do and surrendering the results to the divine…I think the basic understanding is ‘the actions are up to me, but the results are not up to me’. This understanding removes the stress from life and begins to neutralise our attachments and aversions and we learn to take what comes as ‘prasad’, a divine gift. I’m still working on this…! It goes against everything our culture conditions into us, but it really is the way to peace and expansive acceptance. Our attachment to feeling good and aversion to suffering is one of the last things that binds us…interesting when we come to see that.

    • I love the bhagavad gita.. was just reading it again last night! A week long retreat sounds awesome – was it lovely? How were the people? And do you do this kind of thing often? I never have but I would love to.

      Question: what did you learn about the self and the sense of being a person? I’m wondering who it is that you feel “does” the actions.. I like Mooji’s / advaita teachings on their not really being a “doer” of action.. in my experience, more and more it feels there is surrender to Life as *It* does me (not the other way around).

      • Hehe i should have said the seminar was in the comfort of my own home – it was a webinar, by James Swartz, lasting about 6 hours a day. Free of charge too, although I gave a donation. It really helped crystallise things for me. With the Gita it’s so helpful to have a good teacher. remember reading it when I was in my v early 20s and I liked it but a lot of it prob went over my head.

        That’s a great question and so subtle and profound I could spend hours trying to answer – I’ll try keep it brief haha. According to vedanta the basic answer is, consciousness evolved a mind for processing our sensory experience (mind includes our emotional responses in this model), then to help us function in our environment we evolved an intellect, which enabled us to question our experience, put it into context and choose between alternatives and further our goals and intent. That’s where the ‘doer’ function comes in. Driven by the mind and intellect it performs actions for expectation of results. So the ‘doer’ does have an apparent existence and function, but it doesn’t exist independently of consciousness. Yet we tend to completely identify with that aspect. It’s not ultimately real because it’s not lasting (it doesn’t even last a full 24 hours – when we’re in deep sleep, the doer no longer exists!).

        We tend to think the doer/ego is a kind of independently existing entity and that it is responsible for everything we do…but it’s not really the case. The doer is only one factor among many that determines how we act and what comes of the results – other factors being our conditioning, vasanas, the ‘gunas’ (the 3 energies that kind of make up reality and shape our expression of consciousness), environment and the totally the entire field of existence (the ‘dharma field’). When we consider the vast number of factors and variables involved in action and what motivates our action, the ‘doer’ is really a kind of illusion. It’s all just being done, like you said.

        One of the things in vedanta that staggered me was when I heard that our 3 bodies – the gross (physical), subtle (mind/emotions/intellect/doer) and causal (unconscious) don’t have any independent existence or light of themselves; they’re just illumined by the light of the Self, which animates them and gives them life…a bit like how the moon is illumined by the light of the sun but has no innate light of its own. In Swartz’s words “these three bodies, which are caused by Maya, make the Self appear to be a doer, thinker, feeler, etc”. They give the appearance of an apparently separate reality and separate self, but it’s just an ‘upadi’, something that makes a thing appear to be different to what it is. If you put a clear crystal next to a red rose, the rose (an upadi) will make the crystal appear red. Similarly, our thoughts, feelings and sense of being a doer are upadis, caused by Maya, which make it seem as though the Self is a separate entity; a thinker, feeler and doer.

        Don’t know if that makes sense? Still getting my head around it…but it totally clicks with my experience and understanding from self inquiry 🙂

  2. Nice post! It’s great when you have those moments when all of human experience is valid and basically good. That the “bad” stuff is just as important to the human experience as the “good”. So many people spend all their time trying to pursue pleasure and avoid pain when they’d be much better off pursuing an acceptance and love of ALL forms of human emotion, including the pain.

    The path to things like self realization are greatly accelerated by tough times, nervous breakdowns in particular. It’s only when things can’t get any worse that you see with clarity that “This is as bad as it can get and I’m still here?”. It’s when everything you thought made you “YOU” is blown away, that you really find out who you are, what the “I AM” really is. When you find out everything that you are not, whatever is left is you.

    Okay ramble ramble, but nice post, it is cool when can observe all your inner goings on without becoming caught up in the conversation 🙂

    Thanks for sharing,

    Rohan.

    • yes! Thanks for sharing! I don’t know about you, but I find that these realizations are iterative and take a while to soak in. I understood these insights intellectually .. and even had some glimpses of the experience, but now it seems to be shining through more, as an experience of surrender. Maybe this is just another “glimpse”. But then again, who cares?

      • Oh absolutely, it’s glimpses that over time form into something a little more solid. Not all of us get (or would want!) Arjuna’s experience when Krishna exposed the entirety of creation to him all at once. But those glimpses are great, they do just enough to remind us to stop worrying too much about the Maya, to not get caught up in the trivialities of life 🙂

        I got quite a few of those nice moments when I used to meditate a lot, I just would try and stay with that feeling for as long as it was with me. Enjoy your glimpses 🙂

        Rohan.

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