So this week, The Little Blog That Could crossed the century milestone.. we now have 102104 107 subscribers 🙂 How fabulous!
I started the blog nine months ago with no plan, no followers, no social media presence and no real idea of what I was doing. All I knew is that I felt compelled to share some of my experiences delving into nondual spirituality. It was also important to me that I anchor these encounters with Awareness in the everyday reality of my existence. I try to “keep it real” by being transparent and frank about ups and downs of this life – the challenges, the difficult feelings, the inspirational moments, the salve of timeless wisdom, the bullshit of the ego and the beauty of awakening. To that end, I talk about a variety of things here – well-being, consciousness, emotions, thrifting, relationships, academia, food, sexuality. I still don’t actually have a plan or any idea what I’m doing, but I am enjoying this blog for what it is – a space of emotional and creative catharsis, a way for me to connect with like-minded souls and one big love letter to the Divine Intelligence that has so gracefully and generously unveiled Itself to me.
Anyway, the most exciting thing about the blog is that it’s allowed me to make incredible connections to people like You: folks who take time out of their busy schedules to read and even sometimes react and respond to my musings. I am so grateful for every comment, email, phone call and conversation that I’ve had with folks touched by this blog. I am learning so much through these exchanges and am thrilled that you’ve decided to share with me along the way.
While I’ve generally been thrilled with my haircut, it’s also been challenging for my ego. I cut my fro in part to overcome some of the egoic identification I had with my hair. I had spent 8 years “mastering” my natural hair and learning how to style my twists.. And I had it down to a science. My ego came to take quite a bit of pride in the mastery of my fro because it took so much time, experimentation and effort to learn these things. I also was just supremely happy with how healthy and beautiful my hair had become – and with how easy it was to maintain my twists. I’m big into effortless, easy, breezy beauty and I even did a few hair tutorials back in the day:
Still, in the back of my mind, I knew I was overly attached to my curls. The salience of this attachment really hit home when I visited an Egyptian salon that a family member recommended for a hot press back in January. I usually get my hair hot combed straight once a year, so I thought this would be the same ol’ thing. Except it wasn’t. They burned my hair! Some strands became permanently straight. I was heartbroken. My curls had lost the perfection I projected onto them.
Aware of these egoic thoughts – and just frustrated with the madness – I took a pair of scissors and cut my hair. And it has been remarkably liberating. Nonetheless, I found myself grappling with a new set of egoic issues and insecurities. As with all things that arise in my experience, I integrated my conscious awareness of the ego into my spiritual practice.
First, I found that I was still rather attached to the state of my hair. I wanted to look cute. And to the extent that I thought the haircut was very cute, my mind was usually satisfied. Except in the morning. I would wake up and look in the mirror, only to be greeted with a lopsided fro. The thing about negro hair like mine is that it in its natural, untwisted state, it easily takes on the shape of whatever is happening around it. It will flatten out on one side and be curly on the other depending on how I sleep. I wasn’t used to this unpredictability. With my twists, I looked reliably lovely at all hours of the day. Which is to say, my mind and ego were perpetually satisfied. It’s one thing to style your hair and feel great. It’s another to fully accept yourself and feel great at your most unkempt moment. I found my inner critic being VERY hard on me. I began to fear that no lover would love me at 5 am, with my crooked, half-matted, Elvis-like bedhair. I felt challenged in my femininity. “Your hair looks crazy”, “You look like a man”, “Your hair is ugly” . . . this is the onslaught of harsh thoughts that would emerge first thing in the morning.. until I washed and styled my hair and once again satisfied the ego. Then, this fickle voice would whisper “Your hair is awesome”, “You look so pretty”, “You’re a goddess” .. While the ego was thrilled with these assessments, my higher wisdom was well aware that such thoughts were not reassuring at all, because believing them meant that my self-acceptance – and my peace of mind – would remain conditional.
For a while, I contemplated getting another haircut or just doing something.. anything.. to shut up that ruthless inner critic. But rather quickly, I realized that acquiescing to these reactions would be a losing battle. The ego is never permanently satisfied If I bowed to its criticism and exalted in its conditional affirmation, I would become a slave to my own feelings and projections about my appearance. So instead, I decided to use my awareness of these thoughts to radically expand my self-love. To that end, I started greeting my puffy-faced, crooked-afro-having self with this morning salutation: “I love you exactly as you are. You are gorgeous and divine just like this. I accept you as you are, unconditionally.”
I was skeptical that this approach would work, but by day #2, I already felt more at ease. A couple days in, and I actually started to like how unpredictable and wild my hair was. I embraced the crazy and started to feel more sexy and beautiful. I began to see more clearly what is timelessly, unconditionally radiant and perfect about me. In other words, I began to love myself the way I’d want my soulmate or lover to love me. I affirmed that I didn’t need long, predictably beautiful twists to feel whole. This seems like a silly and elementary thing to say, but my ego had gotten so wrapped up in my hair that it has taken some concerted effort to undo this conditioning. Throughout it all, I’m using my awareness of my thoughts and feelings to consciously expand my self-acceptance.. which is just a further elaboration of my intention to love myself a little more on a daily basis.
So far, so good. Turns out that self-acceptance is a lot cheaper than a new hair cut.
So, one of the most exciting things going on in my life these days has been a pretty radical lifestyle change. A month ago, I was sick. In the stupor of this illness, I realized my fridge was bare and that I’d need provisions to recover. Around this time, I also discovered that many of the folks I correspond with on Twitter — academics, nondual types, spiritually minded folks — are also into vegan and raw foods. They made suggestions for things I should add to my grocery cart. People started sharing meal ideas, recipes, books, vegan websites and even documentaries. For reasons I cannot account for, I was particularly open to these suggestions and approached it all with a great deal of enthusiasm.
Eggplant burger with grilled shiitake mushrooms, onions and vegan cheese on gluten free bread
First, let me explain how I was living (and eating) prior to this lifestyle change. I was drinking 2, 3 sometimes 4 cups of coffee a day (frighteningly easy to do with a Keurig machine). I had not been sleeping well for months and I was feeling very lethargic – something that’s pretty unusual for me. I had a persistent headache and I had put on about 10 lbs in the last quarter of 2012. My meals were heavy in protein and carbs. I love meat, cheese and bread — preferably French. A typical jaunt to the grocery store would have me buying ciabatta baguettes, steak, chicken, creamer (for my coffee), some exotic, expensive cheese. The only vegetables I liked buying were bok choy, brussels sprouts and cabbage. My staple meals were pasta, fajitas, Asian stirfry dishes and the like.
I thought my choices were relatively healthy because I selected whole wheat products, organic produce and grass-fed meat and dairy. I tried to match equal portions of protein and carbs in my meals, following a habit I picked up from past forays into Bill Phillip’s “Body for Life” program. But otherwise, I didn’t follow any rules. I ate whatever I wanted. And I often felt like passing out after those meals. I associated such feelings – being bloated and tired – with satiation. I didn’t know that another way was possible.
Burrito lettuce wraps with mango salsa, cilantro, vegan cheese and chiles
In any case, a month ago I decided to tip-toe into a veganish, raw-ish lifestyle. At first, I said I would do it just for a few days – until I got over my cold. Then I extended it for a week, then another week.. and suddenly a month had passed. In the interim, I’ve lost about 12 lbs – effortlessly.
Here’s an overview of the changes I’ve made. In parentheses is the percent of the time I follow these guidelines on a daily basis:
Replaced coffee with alternative drinks like hot lemon water and ginger root tea (100%)
Cut out all meat and seafood (100%)
Cut out all wheat (95%)
Replaced dairy with vegan products (90%)
Introduced raw meals and juices (100%)
Introduced gluten free products (100%)
Replaced sugar with honey and agave (97%)
Added superfoods green drinks (50%)
Finally started taking the vitamin supplements that had been sitting idly on top of my fridge (95%)
Thai lettuce wraps with hummus, fvegan cheese, broccoli/carrot slaw, ginger and peanut sauce
Other than meat, dairy and most gluten products, I can eat whatever I want. When I tell folks this, most of them snark “But there’s nothing left!” Oh, but that’s a myth! There is LOTS and lots of food I can and do eat. I’m having so much fun with discovering new, delicious recipes. I do not feel like I’m on a diet. I am often full and nurture myself with hearty meals. I feel free to do whatever I want (and this sense of liberty is important to me). If there are donuts at a meeting, I will have a bite. But overall, I find myself naturally choosing to make healthier decisions – not because I want to lose weight or reach a certain goal – but because my body feels better when I feed it with raw, vegan, gluten free goodies.
Sauteed spinach with garlic, grilled onions and vegan cheddar
Not all of my meals have turned out well. The whole guacamole-over-cabbage idea was certainly a mistake. But for the most part, I have found it easy and exciting to come up with creative, delicious and nourishing things to eat.
Side effects of this new lifestyle:
I feel GREAT!
Natural detoxification
I’m sleeping better. I wake up early, without the need for an alarm. I have more energy.
The headaches are gone.
My digestion is great.
After meals, I feel energized and happy. No more lethargy or bloat.
My body is naturally losing weight
My appetite is decreasing
My eyesight seems to be improving
Pain and tension in my neck and shoulders has decreased
Things I typically buy now:
LEMONS! Can’t get enough
Almond butter
Avocados
Daiya vegan cheese (a revelation.. absolutely incredible)
Lifeway probiotic kefir
Bananas
Spinach
Onions
Boston lettuce (for lettuce wraps)
Gluten free bread
Gluten free pasta
Vegan / gluten free sauces
Beans
Kefir
Almond milk
New information I’m learning about myself:
I don’t like salads, but I love lettuce wraps
I like cooking some vegetables, so a completely raw lifestyle is not for me
I feel more energetic now that I’ve cut out coffee
Hot lemon water – or just hot water itself – is very internally soothing
I love the taste of lemon juice on just about anything
A sprinkle of “real” cheese or a serving of 99% lactose free kefir agrees with me, but any substantial serving of dairy upsets my stomach
I absolutely love eating (and making) fresh guacamole
I’ve learned that giving up meat is relatively easy, because I’m such a condiment girl. If I have the right spices and sauces, I’m good to go.
Staple meals and snacks for me now include:
Lettuce wraps
Soups
Vegan cakes
Raw juice (especially apple, carrot, ginger)
Raw chocolate
Nut crackers
Gluten free pasta with vegan cheese
Spinach sauteed with garlic and grilled onions (I actually eat this for breakfast sometimes)
Eggplant burgers (Dominex brand.. incredibly good, and a nice gluten free alternative to veggie burgers)
In terms of fast food, I find myself attracted to Thai and Japanese takeout. I’ll get vegetarian sushi (I’ve just discovered sweet potato tempura.. amazing!), dumplings or vegetarian pad thai.
For now, I don’t have any grand goal, but my plan is to pretty much stick to this for the time being. I’m sure I’ll have meat again one day, but that day is not to day.
Potato onion galette with vegan cheese and spinachBroccoli and carrot slaw with thai peanut sauceMy homemade raw chocolate with crystallized ginger and pistachios. Yes, it was amazing.
It’s been a while since I’ve waxed poetic about thrifting.. but this latest haul has me over the moon with euphoria.
There’s only one way to start this post. Seriously. Press play. Then continue reading.
So, I stopped by the thrift shop twice this week and hauled in these divine items:
Black Stuart Weitzman patent leather platform stilettos with suede interior. Tags STILL on. Original price: $375. I paid: $15
Brown Stuart Weitzman leopard kitten heels. Approx value: $200. I paid: $12.50
Eddie Bauer leopard loafers (notice a trend?) Approx value: $60. I paid: $5.
Red and black polyester Bankers Club blouse WITH matching belt/tie. Approx value: $20. I paid: $1.
Black and red pinstriped Kasper suit. Approx value: $100. I paid: $2
Gorgeous floral Talbots blouse. Approx value: $30. I paid: $4
It’s just straight up insanity. Those shoes? THOSE SHOES? I just.. can’t.. get over it..
Praise be to the Thrifting Gods. Praise be to the All-There-Is. Hallelujerr, Hallelujerr.
So.. I love that the platform stilettos fit like Air NIKES. They are super comfortable! And the detailing is gorgeous. Can’t wait to wear them to something sexy in the city! The SW kitten heels are nice too – a little smaller, not as comfortable, but they will do just fine for a date night when I’m being chauffeured around. The Eddie Bauer loafers are faaaaabulous. Perfect for work or a walk around town.
The Bankers Club blouse brings joy to my heart. Red and black are my favorite colors and I know this will look fantastic with my fire engine red lipstick, nails and some black slacks. The Kasper suit was such a find. One of my great joys in life is getting suits worth hundreds of dollars for less than the cost of a latte.. I’m running out of space for my collection at this point.
The Talbots blouse is especially close to my heart. It’s just so damned pretty. I wore it with some grey embroidered Chicos jeans, beige Italian leather loafers and a cream Talbots blazer. Soft pink lipstick. #Yes.
Aware of Awareness 