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Author: Crystal Fleming
Crystal Marie Fleming is a writer, professor and sociologist.
Love
Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for ourselves is to love our circumstances.
Your Only Problem
“Your only problem is the eager self-identification with whatever you percieve.” – Nisargadatta
The Nondual Academic: Timeless Being.. or Tenure-Track?
“One has to work in the world; naturally, carry on your worldly affairs, but understand that which has come about by itself -that is, this body, mind and consciousness–has appeared in spite of the fact that nobody has asked for it. I did not ask for it; it has come upon me in my original state which is timeless, spaceless, and without attributes. So that whatever has happened is doing this business in the world. The life force and the mind are operating, but the mind will tempt you to believe that it is “you.” Therefore, understand always that you are the timeless, spaceless witness. And even if the mind tells you that you are the one who is acting, don’t believe the mind. Always keep your identity separate from that which is doing the working, thinking and talking.” –
Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, “The Ultimate Medicine: Dialogues with a Realized Master”
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This is the fourth in a 12 week series of essays on doing academic work from a nondual, spiritual perspective. The idea is to open up a new conversation about academia and the ego. Most Sundays, I’ll share my reflections on a variety of topics related to writing, researching, teaching and mentoring in the light of teachings from Hinduism, Buddhism and Christian mysticism as well as my own experiences.
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My life is not quite turning out as I thought it would. Prioritizing my spirituality wasn’t really at the top of my agenda when I finished graduate school a year and a half ago. I had a conventional idea of success. After the Ph.D., I thought I would singlemindedly focus my energies on research, publications, gaining my colleagues’ respect, perhaps even starting a family. I wanted to leave my humble mark on the world, gain recognition, make my mother proud, be a “credit to the race”, give back to my communities, build some wealth, win some prizes, become a prominent sociologist and a public intellectual. Oh yeah, and a wife and maybe a mother and blah blah blah.
And to a certain extent, some things have gone according to plan. I landed a fab job in a supportive department. I’ve won some prizes – most recently the APSA’s Georges-Lavau award for the best dissertation on contemporary French politics. I have had a steady publication record. My research program has developed. I’m not a total disaster.
And yet, I never anticipated that I would have an encounter with God that would swallow me -and my ambitions- whole. I always wanted to be “somebody” — I did not know I would come to recognize my self as Timeless Being.. that I would come to know that I am literally no “body”.
Living as “Timeless Being” is quite at odds with most everyone’s idea of the tenure-track. Junior faculty are almost always future-oriented — preoccupied with establishing a professional reputation and securing semi-permanent employment. Increasingly, I have found myself struggling to reconcile these two very different ways of viewing life — one anchored in the present-moment, one tied to a professional future.
Along the way, I’ve felt at turns liberated and appalled by two paradoxical sentiments. On the one hand, I feel liberated as I’ve come to care more about my spiritual life than anything else. On the other hand, I’ve been appalled to see that my ego still worries and despairs over the fate of my professional life — not to mention my material existence. I worry over what the future holds if I really surrender to the full embrace of my spiritual path. What will happen to me if I really offer up everything — the fate of my work, my projects, my income — to the Supreme? My inner wisdom knows that I have nothing to fear. And yet, the old egoic grasping, the doubts arise. To my chagrin, my attachment to professional success continues to manifest in my experience. Are these lingering ambitions standing in the way of my full reliance on God?
This fundamental question — of how to live in the world as your worldly desires wane — is quite common for people on a whole variety of spiritual paths. Mooji has a great teaching on this topic that you can check out here. His basic insight – echoed in the quote by Nisargadatta above – is that, despite appearances to the contrary, we are not the “operators” of our own lives. The sense of doership is itself an illusion. (This is a tricky subject, given the emphasis I place on agency in my social theorizing – a topic for another day). In any case, the basic teaching of nonduality (that we are one with all there is) asserts that Consciousness/God – indeed, the entire Universe – acts through ‘us’. Fully realizing this truth requires giving up all of our concerns – including our need to know how the future will work out – to the Supreme. It means realizing that personal ambitions are the egoic projections of the mind — they do not define who we really are. From this perspective, what ultimately matters is surrendering to God’s divine will, allowing the flow of life to have its way with us, as Spirit sees fit.
It’s a terribly frightening predicament for the ego — the small ‘self’ — because it frets over how to provide for our material existence, how to strategize for success. But the ego-mind doesn’t exist (Mooji likes to say that “the ego is a ghost afraid of dying”) and since it doesn’t exist, it obviously is not in control of our lives. And if it isn’t in control, what is? Ah.. the Beingness. God Herself. So the process is one of allowing egoic ambitions, striving & anxieties to increasingly give way to faith & total reliance on the All-There-Is. And the vexing truth is that this is not something one can try to do — it simply happens naturally in the process of awakening.
So where does that leave me? I haven’t the faintest idea. But, I wanted to share these ruminations with you, as this is the primary concern I face at intersection of my professional life and my spiritual practice. These days, my intention is to simply allow Consciousness to guide me in whatever direction It sees fit. We’ll see how it goes.
Vlog: New Hair, Blizzard Talk, Academic Happenings & Nisargadatta
Mooji Meets Academia: Physics & Advaita Vedanta
Mooji and a PhD in physics discussing two of my favorite topics – science and spirituality.
I don’t know what to say
I haven’t been writing here and I deleted some recent posts..
In truth, I simply do not know what to say.
So for now, I’m not saying much at all.
The last two months have been a very intense emotional period for me.
The last year has been a very intense emotional period for me.
These days, all I want to do is rest. I’ve been very, very tired – physically, emotionally, soulfully tired.
Dear readers, I hope you will be patient with me.
In the meantime, check out this video by Mooji on relationships:
Impulsive Haircut
So, in a fit of angst, I took a pair of scissors and cut off most of my hair.. Then let a barber finish the job by tapering the back.
The ‘fro before the haircut:
.. And after:
Me likes.
The Room Where I Will Write My Book
This is the year that I must finish my book — and this is the room where it will happen.
I moved into my place almost exactly a year ago – and it has taken all 12 of these months to figure out what to do with this space. It has built-in book shelves and a lovely window – so I always knew I wanted it to be my office, but I could never pull it together. The room was difficult to decode because of its unwieldy dimensions: one side of the ceiling is slanted at a steeper angle than the other. For a long time – indeed, right until a few weeks ago – I despaired that I would never be able to make this room work, much less work in it. When I first moved in, I tried having the desk in front of the window. But I would bump my head on the ceiling if I moved too much to the left or the right, and that’s just . . . awkward.
Arranging my home office — and finding a resting place for my desk — had been the bane of my existence in this otherwise lovely home. I must have moved my ergonomic-height-adjustable desk up and down the stairs 3-4 times. A strong, muscular friend initially put it in my upstairs room when I first moved in. Then I got frustrated with the room and moved it down the stairs — myself — to the room that’s now my bedroom. But having an office in that room didn’t feel right. So — in an exercise of terrible judgment — I decided to try and move the desk back upstairs on my own. Somehow I was able to do it, but ended up with a crick in my neck and terrible back pain for about 2 weeks. Do you know what it’s like to have a crick in your neck for 2 weeks? I couldn’t move my head to the left or the right without searing pain. On the upside, I learned an important life lesson: Never do stupid shit like that again.
So, I had two different friends help me at various points in the year move the desk up and down the stairs as I tried to figure out where to set up an office. For most of the year, I ended up using my living room as an office — books and files piled up everywhere. I felt like a bootleg professor, working on the couch with papers scattered on my coffee table. Over time, the upstairs room devolved into a hot mess.
You cannot imagine the unspeakably terrible dungeon this room was before the revamping took place. It was full of boxes, piles of paper, all manner of random junk and crap scattered across the floor. Zora’s litter box was perched sadly in a forlorn corner. There was another curtain hanging up, but it was tattered from the cat’s frenzied clawing and the curtain rod was broken. It was a shameful. A travesty.
Finally, the Spirit of Getting-Shit-Together swept over me right around the holidays and I resolved to go up to the room and simply ask myself: “What can I do with this space?” I took a few minutes, did some conscious breathing and just “listened” to my intuition as I looked around. Suddenly a bunch of ideas started flowing. I began to get energized about organizing the boxes and storing them in the attic. I vacuumed furiously, cleaned the carpet. I already had my desk and an office chair, but I realized that I needed a long table to lay out my papers and files, as well as a few other items to make the room functional. I went to some second-hand furniture stores and thrift shops. I found a used printer/computer stand for 8 bucks that matched my desk and bargained with the manager at one store to sell me a simple folding table for $12. The table was ugly, however, so I knew I’d have to cover it. So off I went to K-Mart for a few decorative items: a beige, natural fabric curtain that I cut and used to cover the table, a little library lamp, a small picture for the wall, a curtain rod and a red floral panel that would match some of the red accents. I had a bunch of things already at home that I had previously purchased for the office but never had been able to put to use given the defunct status of the room. I realized that it was best to keep the desk on the side of the room with the higher slope. Now bumping my head on the most important side of the room isn’t an issue and having the desk where it is now is perfect because I can just swivel around in my chair and I’m facing the bookshelf without having to bend over or hit my head on the slanted ceiling. It took me about 2 days, but I finally got everything cleaned up, organized right before New Years.
It’s a simple office – nothing fancy. But it’s mine. And pretty. And functional. I absolutely love having a cozy, beautiful, dedicated space to get my work done at home. Finally! At long last! I now feel a bit more like a “real” professor.
Zora’s definitely a fan, though she doesn’t seem to understand that the ottoman is for me to kick up my feet while I’m sipping tea and reading — not a velvety throne for her royal highness.
An unexpected surprise the next morning was finding the room aglow with beautiful red light, sun rays streaming through the curtain.
*Joy*
*Happiness*
Check out my “new” Song!!!!!!
About two months ago, I wrote and produced a song called “Let it Burn”. The first version was as atrocious as the heartbreak that inspired the song. I produced about 10 marginally better versions until I got something I was relatively happy with.
Except I was not entirely satisfied. I listen to the song almost daily during my commute to work. (Yes, I listen to my own music . . . don’t judge me – all songwriters do it :))
This new version is the fruit of the 2 months of singing in my car to my own song in an effort to re-think it and produce something a bit new.
It’s by far the most technically advanced song I’ve ever produced. As always, it was done entirely with GarageBand for the iPad. It consists of about 40 vocal, music and percussion tracks.
I’d like to give a special “thank you” to three individuals:
1) “Eric” for inspiring this song.
2) Mahesh – a very talented songwriter who suggested adding the higher-range vocals at 4:04 . I absolutely did not think I could do it. It’s far out of my range. It took me 2 months to work up the courage to try, but I think I pulled it off.
3) My Mom – for being my most loyal listener (she listens to 10 versions of every song I produce). She gives excellent feedback. For this track, she suggested actually changing the beat after I say “beat” (4:39). She also thought it should be extended even longer than the 5 minute version I sent her. She was right on both counts and it’s a much more enjoyable song now. Stretching it longer makes it a proper song to actually groove to — and it allowed me to play around more with my own vocals, which I thoroughly enjoyed.
So, I hope you like it – and that it makes you shake what your mama gave you : https://t.co/NAX67yqB
You can also play it directly on the music player on this blog..
(Reminder: my soundcloud songs are best listened to on great speakers or with earphones).
Aware of Awareness 
